Ramblings of a Southern Mama

There was a time where going to Richmond was all I craved.  I wanted to see the city lights, drive down a country road to where my roots are.  See my friends, my family – hug my cousins, and laugh with my aunts.  I want all those things, but after my last trip home to Richmond – coming back to SC felt different.

This was the first trip “home to VA” that I didn’t cry when I left.  The first trip where I was content to just hang out, and not feel like I needed to see everyone and do everything.  When I left, I didn’t feel like I was leaving behind everything my heart wanted and where I wanted to be.    It was a strange feeling.

I think so much of it comes from feeling settled in South Carolina – my kids are settled and love their schools.  I have an amazing boyfriend who keeps me grounded, an equally amazing job – I am happy.   For so long my life felt like it was spiraling out of control as we tried to sell our home in GA and I didn’t feel like I had a “home” anymore.  In my mind then – Richmond was home, and I wanted so badly to be there (even though it was completely irrational & in no way ever going to happen). 

Varina will always be my home, Varina will always be my roots.  My heart will always fill at the site of cornfields & cow pastures, of the James River, of the skyline of Richmond.   I will always be able to say where I came from with a smile on my face.  Richmond no longer defines who I am, it no longer is where I crave to be.   I want to visit, I want to hug my friends & my family.  I want all those things, but now this place – South Carolina is my home.  This is where my children’s roots will be, firmly planted – but also firmly engrained in them will be where their mama came from. 

Todays suggested topic is “share something you are struggling with right now”.  This is a tough one because even I have limits to what I share here on the blog.  So, without being completely open, I’m going to have to be a little vague.

I hate secrets.  Don’t get me wrong, I love a good surprise and I’m not counting Christmas gifts in this “secrets” thought.   Typically between my mom, my brother and I – there are no secrets.  Usually Lynsay gets counted in on this too, sometimes daddy.  But without fail, if I need to tell someone something – I tell Mama (and in turn she’ll tell Matthew, or I’ll tell him). 

So…excuse the vagueness and know that I really wish I could write more about this (because it would make more sense!).

Recently, I was in a situation (relates to having a secret) where I was made to feel like complete crap.  Did I put myself in that situation – absolutely.  Did the other person know – probably not.  Having a secret is the core reason the situation made me feel like shit.  My first thought as I was standing there was “this is such a beautiful place, but why do I feel like shit. Is this other person is ashamed of me?”  I know the answer is no (not in a million years no), but in that moment I thought “wow, this hurts”. 

Patience isn’t something that comes easily for me.  Everything I’ve done in the last 3 years I’ve worked my ass off for – but I still don’t have patience.  I get frustrated easily, and those 2 things combined with this situation do not mix.  Like oil & water, it just doesn’t mix. 

Will it work out in the end, God I hope so, because my heart is already in this.  Do I need to have patience – yes.  Am I gonna like waiting – no.  Am I going to drive the other person in this situation crazy – trying not to.   Everything that needs to happen, will happen in its own time & space.  This isn’t something you rush – this is HUGE.   Not only is it my heart that’s out there, I have to think about the hearts of others too.

As I was told last week “just have patience with me” and “it will be fine”.

Further evidence that I am skipping around this list from Blog Everyday in May, today I’m doing Day 8, Wednesday: A piece of advice you have for others. Anything at all. 

I have actually found myself saying this to a few friends lately, all who are in different places in their lives, going through different things.   It is so true – I’ve been there.  When my heart was no longer where I thought it was, all I had to do was see where it was pointing when I was daydreaming.    The other day I told a friend this when she and I sat down and talked about long distance relationships.  I’ve been there, done that and while it was successful for me – it was tough because my heart was so far away with that person.  Her boyfriend is hundreds of miles away, and even though I’d miss her like crazy – her heart isn’t here with us anymore – its with him.  She deserves to have that happy, and be with him and not to have to have her heart away from her. 

Always follow your heart – but always be smart.  Typically your heart won’t steer you wrong.

Because I couldn’t do the real one from Wednesday, I’m going back to the ones I missed in early May.
Because well – that’s how I am – make it up as you go along!

These are 3 of my favorite quotes.

This Disney one has sort of been my motto for the last couple of years.  It was the last thing I whispered to Katie before we said goodbye to our lives in Georgia. It was the thing I told myself every morning when I lost my job at AOD in January.   It also comes from my ending sequencee of my favorite Disney movie “Meet the Robinsons”

I want my kids, my grandchildren, my great-grandchildren, neices & nephews to look back and say “she was a strong lady”.  Everything, EVERYTHING I have gone through from heart surgery at age 5, to being a military wife, and the death of my marriage has made me stronger.  Every step I take, I take because I am not the weak woman I once was.  I take because I know I am strong, and I am worth every struggle.

Embrace the butterflies, I refuse to settle and settle down with nothing less than that feeling.  Yeah, its only been a few months – but I STILL get that feeling every time I see his name pop up on my phone, or see him walk in my house.  I refuse to settle for anything less than amazing – and I am so glad I found it.

So, the last week was lost seriously…end of semester crazy around here.  Now all our students are gone, and its deathly quiet – #dislike!  

This week has been great, and quiet all at the same time.  I haven’t blogged because honestly, I didn’t want to touch a computer after being on one all day at work. 

But, to rewind a week….

Friday the 3rd – took the kids to the Carolina softball game.  They had the best time, and were obsessed with getting autographs afterwards.  The girls are such good sports about signing stuff for the little kids, its so cute!  Jonathan kept yelling for “Miss Olivia” and “Miss Lakyn”.  The next morning Lakyn told me how how precious my kids were.  Yay!

Saturday the 4th
Kenny Chesney/Zac Brown concert with Patrick.  EPIC.  It was freezing – I don’t know how the girls in the skimpy dresses did it – it was so freaking cold (and not to mention rainy).  Thankfully, the seats we had were covered, but that doesn’t stop the wind.  I sang every song, danced and loved being there.  Patrick was such a good sport to willingly go tailgate with 5 women (me & 4 coworkers), 4 of whom were drunk when we got there.  I hurriedly chugged down 4 beers and was quite happy when we went into see Zac Brown.    Photo dump below….

Angie, me & Patrick (poor guy was just trying to eat some chips & we jumped on him)…Angie & Patrick (this is what happens when you leave your boyfriend unattended with your friends – duck faces happen!)……Patrick & I (he likes this photo – its not my favorite)
Middle – Angie, me & Shanna…Shanna & I (before we went in) and Bry & I (happy tipsy girls!)
Bottom – proof we actually did go to a concert – kenny!    and my favorite photo of Patrick & I…  love!

Best part of the Zac Brown concert – when he played Enter Sandman by Metallica.  For those that don’t know, this is Virginia Tech’s football entrance song and I screamed and jumped up and down.  Patrick probably thought I was crazy, and at that point possibly could have been contemplating our relationship (haha!).  It was awesome!   Best part of the Kenny concert – dancing & singing along to every song.  How every song has a memory attached to it – Come Over reminds me of someone, and “Somewhere with you” reminds me of a friend back home, and even Pirate Flag reminds me of Jonathan because he loves that song!

Sunday – quiet day at home letting my liver recover from Saturday night.  =)     It was rainy, so we just layed around and watched TV.  Patrick came over for dinner and we called it a night early.

Hope everyone had a great week!