at the end of the day

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I was scrolling back thru my phone and saw that I have saved this back in October.  Oh how did I know that I would need this back then?

Today has been hard.  Being given a diagnosis with just the bare minimum of instructions on how to handle it is one of the toughest things I have had to experience.   I got my gestational diabetes diagnosis on the 26th if Decemver and the only instructions I got were “no white bread, white rice or white potatoes.  No cereal, sweet tea or juice.  Limit fruits to mealtimes only, so no more than 3 per day.”

No instructions on where to keep my numbers, they literally called in a glucose meter and all the parts to our pharmacy and told me to start testing.   Thank god for my husband who had a general idea of how to use the meter.  I pretty much sat at the table sobbing because looking at all the testing stuff and instruction manual was incredibly overwhelming.   I got minimal guidelines again at my last doctors appointment on the 4th, just in terms of where she wants my numbers under.  The OB admittedly struggled with finding me a class and nutritionist to meet with, and I do finally see them on Thursday the 17th.

Today I went to find lunch for myself and while the kids and Jake ate nachos.  I took out eggs, cheese and bacon – 3 things I know are “safe” and I just couldn’t stomach eggs again.  I have eaten more eggs in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 3 years.   I stopped what I was doing, went upstairs and laid down on my bed and just cried and cried.  The weight of making sure I am eating the right balance of carbs and protein, while staying under the numbers – but again having no guidance other than what I can google is so overwhelming.  It’s panic inducing – am I hurting my baby, am I hurting myself?   Since being diagnosed I have lost about 11 lbs, which my doctor told me would happen.  As long as the baby is growing how she should, I can keep losing.  I’m now at a lower weight than I was when I got pregnant.

I cannot wait until Thursday so I can “learn how to eat again”.   So far it’s been a lot of trial and error on what makes my numbers spike and what doesn’t.  What works for friends, doesn’t work for me and vice versa.  Case in point – I ate some French fries from Rush’s on Saturday and thought for sure “this is going to spike me”.  Ate it with some fried chicken, cole slaw and a few tiny bites of a roll.   I wanted the amazing sweet tea that Rush’s has – but I drank bottled water instead.   My numbers were the lowest they have been all day.   Our bodies are weird.

I struggle with the guilt of “what did I do to cause this”, knowing full well that there was nothing I could do to prevent this diagnosis.  Gestational diabetes is caused by the placenta and hormones, and there is not a damn thing I could have done differently.   

My husband is so patient with me, he keeps telling me that I’m doing so well with the minimal knowledge I was given.  He tells me he is proud of me.  He even tries to eat the things I can eat, even though I know he would much rather be chowing down on a baked potato.  I really could not do this without him.

I just have to learn to be patient with myself, that this whole journey is a learning process with the best gift at the end of it – our daughter.  

3 comments

  1. Ashley says:

    This is all so true! You’re doing great mama! It will come easier. But anything that changes your life style is never easy. 🙂 You’ve got this! Can’t wait to “meet” her. 🙂

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