the one about losing my sh**

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You know the expression “I’m going to lose my shit?” – yep, that was me last week.  Do not read if you are not comfortable with lots of acronyms having to do with trying to get pregnant, or with a little too much TMI.


It all started 2 weeks ago when my period didn’t come.  We are trying to get pregnant anyway, so a missed period is like a giant party.  Then a week went by and still no positive test, so I called my doctor.  She said wait a week and then come in, so I did.  I waited a week, called them back and said “ok, I’m ready for that appointment now”, only to have them tell me they won’t see me unless I have a positive pregnancy test.  OK – what the hell people, you told me to call back in a week if nothing had changed.  So after 2 emails to my doctor, I finally get an appointment to see the “first available” for Thursday the 8th.  I’m nervous because I want answers, so I don’t sleep well the night before.

Get there on Thursday at 9:30, a full 30 minutes before my appointment at 10.  I have new insurance and a new last name, and I want to make sure to allow adequate time for paperwork.  At 10:15, they finally call me back in the room after nearly 35 minutes of not being able to get my new insurance information into their computer system.   Then a few more minutes in which I talk to a nurse to input all my medical information in again (because they have a “new” computer system), pee in a cup and wait.  Finally a midwife comes in to the room, as she is who I am seeing versus my well loved doctor Beverly.  I need some answers, why am I this late (14 days at this point), what’s going on.  She listens to me talk, glances at my chart a few times and then says in a voice that can only be described as condesending….

I think you have your dates mixed up on when you are supposed to start your period.

What. The. Actual. Hell.   I have been tracking my period for years, I know when I should start.  I have been regular as a swiss watch since last fall when my IUD was taken out.  How dare you tell a woman who knows her body pretty well that “i think you have your dates mixed up”.   I literally can show you on an app on my phone every period I have had for the last 7 months (and the one I still haven’t had!).  and then came some frustrating comments from her along the lines of:

It took me two years to get pregnant, I just had to relax and then it happened when we went on a beach vacation.

I had to ask twice for an HCG blood test, and she finally said “would an HCG test make you feel better?” (again in that semi-condescending voice).   At this point, I was so frustrated over her lack of empathy or what seemed like a brush-off that I started to cry.  I ended up having to come to this appointment alone, so there was no one there to continue to advocate for me as I essentially shut down to the outside world.  I silently nodded yes and she hands me some tissues, as the tears can no longer contain themselves.  She again repeats that I need to wait a week and come back again in a week, and at that point they will do a referral to a fertility specialist.   She then dismissed me from the room with instructions to pick up my lab orders and go have a blood draw.

I get to the lab (still tearing up), and have to sit in a very crowded waiting room with 5 people who are at least 90 years old each, who all smell like Vicks and garlic.  I hand my order to the nurse, who pats my arm as she talks to me cheerfully.  She tries to make me smile as she quickly takes a vial of blood to send off for testing.  She reminds me what the doctor said, that the results will come in 24 hours or so.

Fast forward to Friday, I get a call from the midwife.  I answer the phone excitedly, praying she is going to say “I was wrong, your HCG levels are so high, come back in for an ultrasound so we can find out what’s happening” – instead I get a “your HCG level is a 2, do you have any questions”, in a smirking tone of voice that seemingly screams “I was right and you were wrong”.   I still don’t know why I’m late.  You would think that after looking at my chart, my history of ovarian cysts and one extremely painful ovarian torsion that she would have said “let’s do a quick U/S to find out if something is blocking”, or anything.  She did no physical exam at my appointment, nothing.

So here we are – still waiting on answers.

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