I am a ridiculous work in progress.

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There I said it – I am a ridiculous work in progress.   What do I mean by that?  Well, lets just say that things that have happened to me in the past still have a hold on my psyche and I am working on changing that.

Let me explain a little more.  My 1st husband had an affair, not just one affair – but 3, with 3 different women.   The guy I dated for 3 years before I met Jake, remarried his ex-wife about 3 months after we broke up – but maintains that they were never an item while we were together (I am not stupid, I don’t believe that for a minute).    Those 2 instances y’all – shook me to my core and left something inside my broken.   I am super candid about both instances – but I cannot let them continue to impact my mind going forward.   I have a jealous streak a mile wide, and its not pretty.

Case in point, the other night I had tagged Jake in something on facebook, and someone I didn’t know liked it.  I asked him “who is this”, thinking his response was going to be “someone from high school” or “someone I used to work with at DHL”.  NOPE – it was “someone I met on match long before you, and never went out with”.  Y’all, I instantly started to shut down – to my HUSBAND.  This is the man that I married, that vowed to love me for the rest of my life and I vowed to love him.   He picked ME, not her – ME.  He was laying in bed next to ME.  I rolled over and put my phone back on the nightstand, and snugged down into the covers.  He asked me what was wrong and I said “nothing”, and quickly shut my eyes.    I didn’t want to talk about how bad it bothered me.

Let me explain why this is absolutely absurd.  I have a friend on facebook that I met on match.com long before Jake.  This guy had a crazy situation, and it wouldn’t have worked out between us – we never went out.  He ended up DJ’ing our wedding – he is a super nice guy, an awesome dad to his kids – but that’s it.   Why is it OK for me to be friends with him but not for Jake to be friends with this chick?  Y’all, it is totally fine – she is no threat to me.  However, in my mixed up (messed up) brain, I was petrified and made her a threat to me.

Ever heard the saying that you are your own worst enemy?  Yep, that’s me.  I can make up ridiculous situations with the best of them, because I am scared.  Do I have ANY reason to be?  NOT. AT. ALL.

Can I change the fact that I am being ridiculous?

I can – I’m just a ridiculous work in progress.

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