the one about the BFN

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If you are close to Jake and I, you know we have decided to try for 1 more baby.  So we started trying back in September once I got the lovely IUD removed.  While I realize that my body needs time to reset and recover from having that thing in since 2013, I still find it hard to not be so crazy disappointed when I get a BFN pregnancy test.

In the land of TTC, a BFN is not a good thing.  Ok, let me roll back on the acronyms for a moment.  TTC stands for trying to conceive, and BFN is a Big Fat Negative.  Others are DPO (days past ovulation) and VFL (Very Faint Line), BFP (big fat positive), and a handful of others I am not even going to attempt to tackle.   I figured that since I got pregnant 3 times already, without really trying to – that this time if I am tracking and we are actively trying to get pregnant – that it would be pretty quick and easy.  I mean, everything the last year has been so crazy hard with selling/buying a house and planning/actually having a wedding – that we should have something go easy, right?

So, Sunday marked 10 DPO, and I woke up and peed on a stick (this blog is as real as it gets people, if you don’t like it move on).  I figured it is still kind of early, but I also figured why the hell not – i mean I have this giant pack of them I bought on amazon.   Negative, nada, zip, zilch – nothing.  A slap in the face of a BFN.  Yes, I know it takes time.  Yes, it will happen when it is supposed to happen.  Yes, I know my body is still adjusting.  Yes, I know I should stop worrying about it.  Yes, we know…we know…we know.   There are things you should NEVER, EVER say to someone who is trying to get pregnant.  Just don’t do it.  Smile and wish them well.  And for goodness sake, do not EVER tell them to not complain about it because they already have 3 kids.

My best friend has been trying to get pregnant for 2+ years and due to some complications has not been able to.  I cannot even imagine the pain that is.  It hurts to have someone else say “oh we weren’t even trying” when they show you an ultrasound picture. I cannot scroll down Facebook without seeing someone I went to school with, or from our time in the Marine Corps or someone local posting an ultrasound photo, or posting their gender reveal or announcing their pregnancy.  You want to be so happy for them, you want to squeal and love on them so hard.  But your brain and your heart aren’t connecting in that moment.  You muster up a smile and say how excited you are, because you really genuinely are – but that stab in your heart hurts a bit.

I know it takes time, I know it is a process, I know that it will happen in God’s time, not mine.  But boy is it ever hard to be patient and wait.

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